A little light relief

Recently I've been collecting what I think of as "funnies" from various places. Some of the topics are serious ones, and I don't wish to laugh at that but I hope these bring a bit of light relief to those who campaign tirelessly for animals.
Starting off with:
Q Was I right to get my cat declawed? (Needless to say we all answered NO, but here's a good bit of information) You could have filed or cut them too but it's dangerous considering they have meat in their nails, so you have to know exactly where to stop.
Q How can I stop my cat scratching me?
A Trim the pawnails

Here's a comment about we who post arguments against declawing
Ah, the usual flurry of thumbs downs typed in by middle-aged women in cardigans who's homes smell of cat wee and no prospect of marriage.
Well, I qualify on two out of the three points I suppose

Moving on to the strange things cats do:
Q Does anybody know what this means? My baby, the one in my avatar, every time I wear shorts, she gets her 2 front paws on my leg and takes a little bite off my leg. Not to hurt me, just a little snip! I find this so cute. Is she trying to tell me something or is it just her way of giving me a kiss?:-)
Here's my favourite answer......I think it's a cat kiss especially when you consider that cats don't have lips. (Mine do!)

Strange noises:
1 My cat makes a noise like a telephone she sounds like she's sayong "Riiiiing Riiiinnngg" makes me laugh every time.
2 Some like to get in the bathtub and chase their tails. You hear Womp Womp Womp and that is what they are doing.
So if you hear womping in the night...don't look for your cat, he's in the bathtub.

Cats having kittens:
When my cat had kittens, she just curled up behind my closet door and let them go.

Cats in bed
I have a black and white cat and a grey and white cat what colour sheets would be best?

Hungry cats
My cat would definitely eat me. My dog would too probably.

Cats in the kitchen:
When a cat rubs you or any object they are marking their territory, he or she is claiming the microwave as his microwave also he is just letting you know he is letting you use it
Probably just to warm up his own food though!

Cat health
Q Why would my kitten not be pooping
A Same reason as you, he's constipated.
Succinct and to the point!
Q Are cats colour blind?
A Who can actually tell? You can't go up to a cat and ask "Can you see colour or not?" So maybe, maybe not!
This is very true

Words of wisdom:
1 A lot of cats have no eyelashes
2 Outdoor cats are the best. they stay in shape and poop and piss outside.
3 Cats don't know who you are unless you smell.
4 Body temp is best measured internally, rectumal temperatures may be altered by poop and gasses. Oh yuck!
5 Cats purr by vibrating a bone in their throat

Cats breeding:
1 A pregnant female cat is called a queen. If she is fixed then there is no name for her.
2 Can dogs and cats have a period? Or can they just breed right out of the womb??
3 Even female cats should be spayed by six months or they will go in to heat & drive you crazy with howling at the top of their lungs 24 hours a day, dripping all over the house & you won't sleep.
4 Harry's going to be newted today (better change his name to fish-face)

Q How much do you love your cat
A more than my cars and electric guitars

Q What colour is your cat?
A 1 He's black but you can tell he's a tabby in the sunlight.
A2 My cat is a fat orange tabby with no tail, she's so cute and we love her.

Songs about cats:
"It's really good to hear your purr, meowing my name it sounds so sweet
Coming from the paws of a kitty, hearing those meows, it makes me weak"
and this is my favourite
"Precious kitty from above whom I love, love, love!"

Odds and ends
"My friend showed me where she had been bitten. How do I no if I've got flees?"

Who's leg is like a tree trunk? The owner's or the dogs? If it's the owner I'd just clean the shoes and keep quiet (an issue about stepping in doggy-doo)

"I guess if I forced the cat to have something done for his snoring I would have had to insist on it for the humans too."

"I'm sorry but cats REALLY don't know what a birthday is.......sorry to break it to you."

"My cat poops only when classical music is playing"

"My cat's got a loud purr and if he lies of your feet you get a message" (He must be a psychic medium)

Q Sometimes when I go next to a cat (Except Polo) they run away, why?
A Maybe you could have a ghost on you. They don't like that

Q What should I call my black and white cat?
A Cabbage John

Confrontational (needless to say on the declawing subject)
Do you also have a problem with a baby's ambilical cord being cut at birth?
No! Nor it's umbilical cord but that's no argument against declawing mate.

Q Where does your cat sleep?
A1 The little male cat sleeps with his body wrapped around the dog's nose and the female cat sleeps up against the dog's belly and uses his penis sheath for a pillow. All three of them are just a trifle left off centre.

A2 Mine loves inside the toilet, she's really strange. Unfortunately that's sucky for me because I have to clean her.

A3 My cat loves my kid's stroller, I put the seat into the lying down position, sunshade down, and I even put a towel hanging from the sunshade so it makes a nice little "house" for him.
This isn't actually funny, it's lovely that someone with a small child still makes such a fuss of her cat but I've included it because thinking of the cat, happy in the stroller with the sunshade down and a towel as well to make sure he's cool just makes me smile.

And finally my absolute favourite
I have a Persian cat and you may know that they have faces that are smashed in.
Poor little blighters!

Thanks for your indulgence, back to a serious topic next time.